Why Do Toddler Tantrums Happen? 5 Tips for Handling Them

Every Singaporean parent knows the scene. You’re queuing up at the hawker centre, your toddler wants a dish you’ve already said no to, and suddenly the whole place is watching a full-blown meltdown.

Before you worry too much, take heart: tantrums are normal, well-documented parts of toddlerhood. They’re not a sign that you’re doing something wrong as a parent.

This guide will help you understand the toddler tantrums Singapore parents often face, why they happen, and how to better handle them when they arise.

Why Do Toddler Tantrums Happen?

Toddler tantrums tend to happen because this is the stage when a child’s social, emotional, and language skills are still developing. At this stage, those skills have not yet caught up to their actual feelings, and this creates problems. 

Toddlers often want or feel things they can’t name or explain, for example. That gap between wanting and communicating is often where the frustration builds.

The ability to manage big emotions is called self-regulation, and while it starts developing around 12 months of age, it takes years to mature. This is a skill that must be learned, and no child is born with it fully formed.

In practice, this means your toddler isn’t misbehaving on purpose. Their brain simply hasn’t built the wiring yet to pause, think, and choose a calmer response first.

That being said, tantrums can also be a learned response over time. If a meltdown occasionally succeeds in getting them a toy or avoiding something they dislike, a child may learn to repeat the tantrum. Remember, even inconsistent rewards can reinforce behaviour!

Common Tantrum Triggers to Look Out For

Everyday life adds its own layer of triggers for tantrums. These triggers can lead to frustration, big feelings, and other issues. Here are a few of the more common ones:

• Physical discomfort due to the environment, e.g. from the heat and humidity

• Confusion over inconsistent rules from different caregivers

• Abrupt removal of devices like tablets

• Exhaustion or fatigue

• Hunger

Tantrums often follow highly predictable patterns, so observing your child and noting their pattern can help you reduce meltdowns in the future.

Toddler Behaviour Tips: How to Respond During a Tantrum

Below are five practical toddler behaviour tips that may help you the next time a tantrum strikes.

1. Stay Calm

This is actually the most important thing to do when parenting toddler emotions. Children often mirror the emotional tone of the adult in front of them, so it’s a good way to steady a child having a meltdown. 

Keep your voice level, stay relaxed in your posture, and act like the situation is manageable. Even if it doesn’t feel that way, acting calm will do more for you than going off the rails.

2. Use the “Time-In” Approach

Try a “time-in” approach where you stay physically close, offer comfort, and acknowledge how your child feels instead of sending them away.

If the tantrum is violent enough that your child is at risk of hurting themselves or others, you can also calmly move your child somewhere safe first. Save the explanation for later.

3. Skip the Reasoning Until They’re Calm

It’s so tempting to try to reason with a child mid-tantrum, but you should resist the urge. Logical explanations rarely land once a toddler’s thinking ability has been overtaken by powerful emotions.

The better move is to wait for your child to get settled. Save the discussion for that time, as it’s when your child can genuinely take in whatever you have to say. Before that, it won’t really be absorbed.

4. Try Redirection via Distraction

Distraction can mean offering a different toy or changing the location. It can even mean turning an unwanted task into a quick game to redirect your child to something else.

This tends to work best early in a meltdown, however, so keep that in mind. Try to employ it before your child becomes too overwhelmed to notice.

5. Reconnect Once the Storm Passes

It’s helpful to recall that tantrums are a sign of emotional dysregulation and not disobedience. Once you realise that, it becomes much easier to remember what you should do after your child’s tantrum has passed.

You need to stay steady and keep your child safe during the worst of it. Once that’s done, you can provide the support your child needs to better manage their emotions.

Sometimes, that means giving them a hug. At other times, it’s a calm and brief chat about what happened. The main point is that you should help your child feel understood again.

Can You Prevent Toddler Tantrums?

You can significantly reduce the number of tantrums your child goes through by getting to know several things. These include your child’s tantrum triggers or patterns, as mentioned earlier, and your child’s limits.

Avoid scheduling errands or tasks during the time when they’re most prone to wanting a nap or a meal, for example. Avoid creating situations that emphasise lack of control and offer them choices instead, including ones as simple as which cup to drink from.

Offer consistency and predictability in the rules and rhythm of everyday life too. If your child has multiple caregivers, it would be particularly useful to align all of them on those rules or routines.

And if your child’s tantrums seem to stem from separation-related distress rather than everyday frustration, consider our guide on easing separation anxiety in toddlers. It offers more targeted strategies for that particular problem.

Keep Calm to Better Help Your Toddler

Ultimately, the key to managing tantrums is to keep a level head and recognise that they’re a normal, temporary part of the parenting experience. The tips here should already get you started on better dealing with them. 

Most children will ease off on tantrums by around three and a half years old. If they don’t relent, or even worse after the age of four, you may want to consult a paediatrician to be sure there aren’t underlying issues causing them. 

If you want more parenting advice, check out the rest of our articles. We cover everything from toddler troubles to guides for new parents!