Separation anxiety in toddlers: How to ease the tears and build confidence

If you have a child who seems to struggle with being apart from you, then you may be seeing separation anxiety. This is usually noticeable in little ones at the toddler age. 

Common signs of it are your child crying or clinging to you when you leave. You might see these reactions when you're off to run an errand or dropping them off at daycare, for instance. 

In each case, it can be heart-wrenching. But it’s also worth understanding that this is perfectly normal. While toddler separation anxiety tends to subside over time, you can actually help your child overcome their separation anxiety more quickly. 

Separation anxiety is essentially a child’s growing realisation that they’re dependent on caregivers for security and comfort. The best way to deal with it is to reassure them and build their confidence, which you can do with the following tips.

1. Prepare them through conversations

Talking to your child about upcoming separations can help reduce their anxiety. The idea is to make sure they know what to expect, including the certainty of your return. 

If your child has the assurance that you’re not “leaving them forever”, separation becomes less scary. So do all you can to reassure them that you’re coming back.

For example, if you have to leave your child at preschool, set the expectation in dialogue. Say, “You can go and have fun with your friends and teachers in school, I’ll come back to pick you up after the school day.” 

This establishes the sequence of events and gives them an idea of what will happen. Keep these conversations simple and optimistic, and they should help your child deal with the separation better.

2. Practise short separations

Sometimes, the trick is to start small and build up from there. It can apply to overcoming separation anxiety as well.

Try getting your child used to brief periods of separation from you. You can start with separations of just a few minutes, where you leave your child with family or even a close friend. 

You can keep raising the length of time that you’re away for until your child learns to be more comfortable with a caregiver other than you. The idea is to get your child used to the separation as well as the idea that you'll always come back for them afterwards.

3. Don’t linger over goodbyes

Making goodbyes too drawn out can actually worsen a child’s anxiety. Keep them quick, like a short hug or a comforting goodbye ritual. 

The goal here is to avoid prolonging your child’s distress at the actual moment of separation. Be quick and cheerful about it, showing them it’s not a big deal and there’s nothing to worry about!

4. Give your child a comfort item

If you know Linus from Peanuts, you know about his security blanket. That’s actually a great idea that can help children deal with the stress of separation early on!

Comfort items can be stuffed toys, blankets, or even fidget toys. They’re essentially emotional anchors that remind your child of home and you. 

And before you worry about it, no, your child doesn’t need to keep using them forever. They can be phased out gradually, especially as your child becomes more confident.

5. Introduce new environments gently

Don’t drop your child into new settings abruptly. Ideally, you want to give them time to acclimate and get used to the environment with you first. 

Once you and your child have spent time together in that environment, it becomes more familiar. This can help your child feel better about being in it even after you’ve left.

6. Model the calm you want to see

One of the best ways to encourage your child to remain calm in separation situations? Show it to them! 

This actually ties back to our tip about not drawing out goodbyes. Making them short and cheerful leaves you less opportunity to inadvertently show apprehension or worry to your child.

Children love to mirror our emotions, so you want to model the way your child should feel. Be positive, happy, and confident. Your child will take that as a cue!

7. Teach them positive coping strategies

There are so many useful coping techniques that you can teach your child for emotional regulation. Think about deep breathing, for instance. Show your child how to use it to find calm when upset. 

You can also show your child the value of interacting with others for comfort. Playing with friends, chatting with them – all of these can be coping strategies as well.

8. Celebrate every success

Your toddler will grow in confidence over time and become more and more comfortable with separation from you. To encourage that, celebrate each successful separation!

For example, return to them by saying “You did great today!” if they behaved after some time apart. It’s a good way to boost self-esteem and positively reinforce their behaviour.

Get support with your toddler’s development

These tips should help you manage your toddler's separation anxiety a little better. Ultimately, a lot of it comes down to patience, thoughtfulness, and understanding… as well as a little insider knowledge from mums who’ve been through the same thing!

If you want more advice on this front, check out the many resources on our blog here at Mummy Guru! You can even talk to other mums in our forums to get a supportive community helping you through your journey through parenthood.